The Burdened Bag, Life Without Dad

I have realized that my problem isn't in moving forward, I can leap ahead like nobody's business. My problem is in the actual event of walking away. You cannot move forward when you are consistently living in the chaos. The odd part about that is, I feel dedicated to those in my life, even when I know they are not dedicated to me. A major part of that has to do with the fact that the man who I felt should have gave me the world, barely gave me anything at all. And before I can get my emotions all wrapped in this, I have to be honest, I have a constant struggle with this situation. I will probably give and pull back throughout this entire post. I am okay with this. I haven't healed. I may never heal. But I have come to terms with what my life has become because of this. This man that I am speaking of is my father.

The distance between us is deep. Not only are we miles apart, but we are even more separated when it comes to life, love, and matters of the heart. Once upon a time, I pretended that I was unbothered by his absence, but that was far from true. The fact that he chose everything in the world over me was something I could not wrap my head around. Sitting here in this moment, I still can't. The tears well up in my eyes and I want to know why? But truth is, there is no answer good enough, no answer true enough. I find myself, being a mother and being extremely appreciative of the man who is a father to my children, because I know that they will never have those same questions I had. I know they will never feel the way I feel. When I think of that, I can wipe away the tears that are forming, but I won't allow them to fall. His absence doesn't deserve my tears. Understand, these moments sometimes hit me when I least expect them and whether I anticipate the heaviness or not, it still feels heavy on my chest. I still love him, because of him, I exist...but because of my mother, I am.

I realize as I am writing this that it won't be a long as I originally thought. Not because I don't want to dive into my feelings, I have been doing so for 30 years now, but because I am overwhelmed with the celebrating of my motherhood coming upon its third year, but more so important a parenthood entering its third year for my babies. They will not have to carry the pain that I keep tucked away. I'll never stop being grateful of that.

Anyway, I have figured something out about myself. I have a history of holding on for dear life, even when the situation is lifeless. I will try to resuscitate and exhaust every method possible to keep something alive, only to understand that the death was inevitable. Then I am left to look at myself and reevaluate, why? But I know the answer, even though I don't know the answer. I am always holding on to my father's absence, thinking that if I held on tight enough and long enough, his absence would turn into a presence. But that never happened. I can't lie and say that it doesn't bother me, but what I know is that I am who I am because of this. We often times like to act like we're not carry our burdens, hurt, pain, secrets, etc on our back, but little do we know, it is weighing us down without our acknowledgement.

I don't even know what I am trying to say. I just know I had to be real with myself. I wish my dad would have been a better dad, I really do. I wish he would have been around. I wish he would have told me I was beautiful or that he loved me and it was genuine. I wish there was an excuse in the world I could assign to his absence, but I can't. My wishes are wishes that will never come true. Even if he walked into my life today and never left, there are moments that were monumental that he missed, those chances will not come back.

I still walk around with the burdened bag because I lived my life without my dad...But I am forever grateful for the fact that I am breaking what could turn into a generational curse. I want so much better for my own children because I felt like I have already faced the worst. But I know it can go deeper.

Thirty And Finding Myself...Sometimes I Just Want To Scream

Who said we had to have it all together?

Like who the heck wrote that unwritten rule?

Does everyone's biological clock tick tock the same way? Does the biological clock change like the retirement age?

I cannot help but to wonder a million and one things as I sit in the middle of my floor, searching my head for a million and two explanations. Why an extra one? Because I can almost guarantee I am forgetting something that will suddenly seem oh so important soon as I breathe a sigh of relief.

I don't know why I once felt that by the age of 30,  I would be so far in life. I would be doing great things and living the American dream. Whatever that meant. Then I realized that although I want a semi-traditional career, I do not have a desire for a traditional work schedule or space. I had children before marriage, heck before even the engagement. That isn't how I imagined it, but here I am at the age of 30 and I realize, I am still finding myself. Thirty is the new twenty. We no longer aim to leave the nest, we stay in the nest for as long as we can, we may leave, but we come back. Suddenly solo flight doesn't seem that desirable. We still prefer for Momma bird to drop worms in our beaks. We want freedom, but we don't really want to be free. I mean thirty is NOT the new twenty, but in reality, we choose to not grow up so fast, once we actually grow up.

Sometimes I just want to scream HELP!

Now, some people will say I am in a great position. I, however, feel it is just decent. I have accomplished certain goals I set for myself, but I can't help but think perhaps I wasn't dreaming big enough when I set them. I waited until I was thirty to want to start taking working out seriously. I needed to be in shape long before I was not in shape. And as I sit here picking at my nails, I am wondering why I am writing this. Do I really want to share my inner thoughts. My possible insanity. Do I truly want to let people know that no matter how put together I may seem, I am all over the place sometimes. I can offer you the best advice ever, but when it comes to taking my own advice, I will find excuses not to. Did I really just type that? Yes, I did. Oh well, it is the truth. Just as scatter brained as this section of writing is, is how my mind works. I am living in constant chaos within my own head.

Sometimes I just want to scream!

I am thirty. I am truly okay with being thirty. Yes, I wish I had this wisdom at twenty-five, but truth is, I didn't. I had to live five more years to get it. And now that I got it, I can never lose it. So, yeah I am thirty. And yes, I am still finding myself. There's a small but powerful difference between today and ten years ago...Before, I was looking for myself...Now, I am just finding myself, little by little, through life, things I would have never even thought to look for, is falling right into its rightful place in my brain.

Sometimes I just want to scream!

But then I remember that it was the "screaming" that allowed me miss so much all those years ago...

A Hiatus, But Not Without Purpose

When you take a hiatus from something you are passionate about, you are essentially starving and dehydrating yourself. I did that. It wasn't without reason however, I was preparing to take on a new role in life that matter more to me than anything else in this world; motherhood. I decided to dedicate 100% of myself to this new journey I was set on, I would essentially take a break from everything in my life besides school to be the best mother I could be. I remember breaking down just two months before I deliver five weeks early, afraid that I would fail at parenting. I suddenly realized I wasn't built like the strong woman who raised me. I suddenly felt all my weaknesses lining up one by one. I could not be held responsible for another person's life. Odd for someone in my profession, i am responsible for other people's lives everyday, but this was totally different. This life I was preparing to take responsibility for, would be dependent on me for life. I didn't know at the particular time that I would spend the next couple years pregnant and breast feeding, but I did!

I am in no way, shape, or form complaining about the break I seemed to become so submissive to because I am truly blessed for the rest of my life. Thanks to my daughter and son, I have renewed ambition, bigger goals, and more determination to achieve what I set out to do. Just knowing that those little eyes are on me, even when they aren't. I carry with me a responsibility greater than some people will ever know and great as some people share. I do not get days off. Sleep may be a necessity, but not a guarantee. I am required to have the answers, make things happen that no one can or will, and keep it together while doing so. I am not supposed to cry, strength is all I should know. Even if I am tired, I shouldn't look it, let alone say it aloud. I don't have time to get ready, therefore I must always be ready. But let me not say that, without saying I have an awesome support team behind me, but even so, I still feel as if the walls can cave in at any given moment. Let me also say that I love my babies more than life itself, but if I had a choice to be a little more prepared for their arrival, I would have taken it.

I wasn't stating any of the above facts for a pity party or applause, I was simply letting myself know that the hiatus was not without purpose. And now I am back. Thank goodness for friends who do not allow you to give up on yourself. Thank goodness for friends who keep reminding you of your gift. And thank God for seeing me fit to bless me with such beautiful children who have added a new fuel to my fire. Perhaps without them, there would have been no return. Without them, I wouldn't have been forced to face a fear of failing, only to find out that the fear was irrational. There was no way that I could have failed at being a mother. Funny thing is, the mind doesn't mind playing tricks on you, especially if you'll believe it.

Well now it is time to feast, when you're hungry, you must fill yourself. When you're thirsty, you must hydrate yourself. Don't be ashamed to consume all of what you have brought to the table!