When you take a hiatus from something you are passionate about, you are essentially starving and dehydrating yourself. I did that. It wasn't without reason however, I was preparing to take on a new role in life that matter more to me than anything else in this world; motherhood. I decided to dedicate 100% of myself to this new journey I was set on, I would essentially take a break from everything in my life besides school to be the best mother I could be. I remember breaking down just two months before I deliver five weeks early, afraid that I would fail at parenting. I suddenly realized I wasn't built like the strong woman who raised me. I suddenly felt all my weaknesses lining up one by one. I could not be held responsible for another person's life. Odd for someone in my profession, i am responsible for other people's lives everyday, but this was totally different. This life I was preparing to take responsibility for, would be dependent on me for life. I didn't know at the particular time that I would spend the next couple years pregnant and breast feeding, but I did!
I am in no way, shape, or form complaining about the break I seemed to become so submissive to because I am truly blessed for the rest of my life. Thanks to my daughter and son, I have renewed ambition, bigger goals, and more determination to achieve what I set out to do. Just knowing that those little eyes are on me, even when they aren't. I carry with me a responsibility greater than some people will ever know and great as some people share. I do not get days off. Sleep may be a necessity, but not a guarantee. I am required to have the answers, make things happen that no one can or will, and keep it together while doing so. I am not supposed to cry, strength is all I should know. Even if I am tired, I shouldn't look it, let alone say it aloud. I don't have time to get ready, therefore I must always be ready. But let me not say that, without saying I have an awesome support team behind me, but even so, I still feel as if the walls can cave in at any given moment. Let me also say that I love my babies more than life itself, but if I had a choice to be a little more prepared for their arrival, I would have taken it.
I wasn't stating any of the above facts for a pity party or applause, I was simply letting myself know that the hiatus was not without purpose. And now I am back. Thank goodness for friends who do not allow you to give up on yourself. Thank goodness for friends who keep reminding you of your gift. And thank God for seeing me fit to bless me with such beautiful children who have added a new fuel to my fire. Perhaps without them, there would have been no return. Without them, I wouldn't have been forced to face a fear of failing, only to find out that the fear was irrational. There was no way that I could have failed at being a mother. Funny thing is, the mind doesn't mind playing tricks on you, especially if you'll believe it.
Well now it is time to feast, when you're hungry, you must fill yourself. When you're thirsty, you must hydrate yourself. Don't be ashamed to consume all of what you have brought to the table!
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