Thirty And Finding Myself...Sometimes I Just Want To Scream

Who said we had to have it all together?

Like who the heck wrote that unwritten rule?

Does everyone's biological clock tick tock the same way? Does the biological clock change like the retirement age?

I cannot help but to wonder a million and one things as I sit in the middle of my floor, searching my head for a million and two explanations. Why an extra one? Because I can almost guarantee I am forgetting something that will suddenly seem oh so important soon as I breathe a sigh of relief.

I don't know why I once felt that by the age of 30,  I would be so far in life. I would be doing great things and living the American dream. Whatever that meant. Then I realized that although I want a semi-traditional career, I do not have a desire for a traditional work schedule or space. I had children before marriage, heck before even the engagement. That isn't how I imagined it, but here I am at the age of 30 and I realize, I am still finding myself. Thirty is the new twenty. We no longer aim to leave the nest, we stay in the nest for as long as we can, we may leave, but we come back. Suddenly solo flight doesn't seem that desirable. We still prefer for Momma bird to drop worms in our beaks. We want freedom, but we don't really want to be free. I mean thirty is NOT the new twenty, but in reality, we choose to not grow up so fast, once we actually grow up.

Sometimes I just want to scream HELP!

Now, some people will say I am in a great position. I, however, feel it is just decent. I have accomplished certain goals I set for myself, but I can't help but think perhaps I wasn't dreaming big enough when I set them. I waited until I was thirty to want to start taking working out seriously. I needed to be in shape long before I was not in shape. And as I sit here picking at my nails, I am wondering why I am writing this. Do I really want to share my inner thoughts. My possible insanity. Do I truly want to let people know that no matter how put together I may seem, I am all over the place sometimes. I can offer you the best advice ever, but when it comes to taking my own advice, I will find excuses not to. Did I really just type that? Yes, I did. Oh well, it is the truth. Just as scatter brained as this section of writing is, is how my mind works. I am living in constant chaos within my own head.

Sometimes I just want to scream!

I am thirty. I am truly okay with being thirty. Yes, I wish I had this wisdom at twenty-five, but truth is, I didn't. I had to live five more years to get it. And now that I got it, I can never lose it. So, yeah I am thirty. And yes, I am still finding myself. There's a small but powerful difference between today and ten years ago...Before, I was looking for myself...Now, I am just finding myself, little by little, through life, things I would have never even thought to look for, is falling right into its rightful place in my brain.

Sometimes I just want to scream!

But then I remember that it was the "screaming" that allowed me miss so much all those years ago...